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Nick Johnson’s rant for Wrestlemania IX

 

This event aired at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas Nevada on April 4th 1993 and was an outdoor show.

 

Your hosts are Jim Ross (making his WWF debut) Randy Savage and Bobby Heenan everyone is wearing togas on this day.

 

The opening ceremonies commence. Caesar and Celopatra come riding out on an elephant, they and the elephant salute the crowd. Savage comes out being carried on a Sedan box with vestal virgins to a big pop. Heenan comes out riding backwards on a camel. When he gets to the announce position he falls over and as he gets up. Savage pulls up Heenan’s toga showing his blue underwear. Pretty funny.

 

Opening match: Intercontinental Title Match Shawn Michaels VS Tatanka

Shawn is carrying Luna Vachon with her to ringside while Tatanka has with her Sensational Sherri Martel. Tatanka starts by domininating Shawn. He reverses an arm bar. Shawn almosts takes him down with the arm bar. Tatanka gets up and shoves him down. Shawn takes Tatanka down with a side headlock and gets 2. Tatanka counters with a back suplex. He nails a chop and sends Michaels in the corner but misses a charge. Michaels goes to the top and Tatanka nails an arm drag while Shawn’s in mid air. Tatanka chops Michaels out of the ring and Luna and Sherri almost go at it. Tatanka keeps chopping away at Michaels. Shawn takes over and goes to the top and nails a sunset flip for 2. Michaels reverses an Irish whip but gets caught in an inverted atomic drop. Tatanka hits a DDT. Then starts working on the injured left arm of Michaels. Michaels trys going for the hair but can’t get it. He does and hits Tatanka with a clothesline but hurts his own arm. Tatanka continues going for the injured arm. Shawn misses a charge and hits his injured shoulder on the post. Shawn gets caught in the corner and Tatanka hits a shoulder breaker and an elbow drop. He goes to the top and nails a flying chop. He goes to the top again and gets caught by a super kick by Michaels. He throws Tatanka out of the ring. Luna comes towards Tatanka but Sherri shoes her away. Shawn throws Tatanka into the ring apron then hits a flying clothesline from the ring apron. Michaels kicks Tatanka in the head as he’s trying to get in the ring. Michaels starts working on Tatanka in the ring. He hits a neck breaker for 2 ½. He hits a standing drop kick for another 2. He works with a resthold and Tatanka gets up and Michaels pounds on Tatanka in the corner. Shawn climbs on Tatanka and does a victory roll for 2. Shawn climbs on the shoulders again but Tatanka nails a back slam. They both have trouble getting up. Tatanka almost gets a 3 count and misses an elbow drop. Michaels hits a double axe handle but Tatanka starts the war dance. Shawn nails 2 more but they have no effect. Tatanka catches the superkick and starts chopping on Shawn. He goes to the top and a flying bodypress gets 2. Tatanka goes for a dropkick but Tatanka grabs the legs and slingshots Michaels to the post. He goes for the fallaway slam but Michaels rolls him up for 2. Michaels goes to the top and gets caught in a power slam for 2. Michaels pulls Tatanka out of the ring. Shawn tries to nail Tatanka but misses and gets hit by the steel steps. And he pulls the referee down and out of the ring. Tatanka nails the fallaway slam but the ref calls for the bell at 18:16. Shawn was counted out. Despite the bad ending this was a pretty darn good match *** While Tatanka is celebrating in the ring Luna attacks Sherri who has to be taken to the first aid area.

 

Steiner Brothers VS The Head Shrinkers

JR and Bobby have a funny discussion about “Slobberknocker” and “Smash Mouth” style wrestling. Fatu starts with Scott Steiner. Scott does an arm drag take down. He trips Fatu and gets a 1 count. Fatu nails a headbutt in the corner. But Scott reverses an arm drag. They both hit each other and Scott hits a pretty good clothesline. Fatu takes advantage and he and Samu double team Scott in the corner. Samu takes down Rick and throws him out of the ring. Fatu throws Scott as well. Both Steiner climb to the top and nail both head shrinkers with flying clotheslines. Afa rams both Shrinkers heads together as JR announces that Sherri has been attacked in the first aid area by Luna. Rick comes in and Samu works on him in the corner. Rick nails a clothesline though and rams Samu head first into the post. Scott comes in and hits a double underhook powerbowb. Fatu gets drop kicked outside the ring. Samu sends Scott into the ropes and catches him and takes him all the way from the middle of the ring out to the floor thanks to Fatu pulling the top rope down. Afa then nails Scott in the back with his Bamboo stick. Samu slams him on the floor and sends him back in the ring. The Shrinkers start working on Scott. Samu rams Scott head into Fatu’s. Samu hits a backbreaker and hits a headbutt off the second rope for 2 and Rick interrupts the count. Samu hits a reverse kick. But runs into a boot in the corner. Fatu comes in and kicks Scott out of the ring. Samu comes out and rams Scott into the ringpost outside. Scott rams Fatu’s head into the canvas but Fatu gets back up and nails Scott with a kick. He nails an elbow to the back and hits a standing dropkick. Scott tries to fight back and gets stopped again. Samu nails an elbow with Scott across the knee of Fatu for 2. Fatu with a resthold. Both men get knocked down and Samu gets the tag and nails a big chop. He hits a head butt. He slams Steiner but misses a big splash and Rick gets the hot tag and clotheslines both Head Shrinkers but makes the mistake by ramming both their heads together. They both head butt Rick as a result. They slam his face into the canvas. They go for the doomsday device but Rick catches Samu and turns it into a power slam for 2. Scott comes in and gets a belly to belly on Samu but runs into a kick. Samu sends Scott into the ropes but Scott reverses it and nails Samu with the Frankensteiner for the pin at 14:22 Another pretty good match **1/2

 

Okay let the crap begin.

 

We get at look at the feud between Doink and Crush. Crush takes a flower from Doink but Doink takes his own arm out (which was a cast) and nails Crush with it. I thought this was stupid. That cast was made of plastic and Crush acts like he was killed.

 

Crush VS Doink the Clown.

Doink squirts water from his flower at Crush and Crush goes after him.  Crush slams Doink on the floor and rams his head in the ringpost and into the railing. They go in the ring and Crush works over Doink in the corner and places him in a high choke hold. Crush sends Doink hard in the corner but Doink sends Crush outside the ring and rams him weakly into the post. Geez this is bad. Crush nails a neck breaker and a snap mare. He clotheslines Doink across the top rope and nails a back breaker. Doink clotheslines Crush on the ropes and nails a double axhandle and a flying fist. Geez this is so slow. Doink hits a weak piledriver. He rams Crush’s head into the post. Geez enough with the steel stuff outside the ring please. Doink slams Crush inside the ring and goes to the top and flys into a foot. Crush is back up and Doink slowly works him over and he goes to the top again and Crush nails a power slam. Crush clothelines Doink to the outside and Doink tries to go under the ring. Crush brings him back in and nails a press slam. He goes for the head vice but the ref gets knocked down in the process. Doink tries to go under the ring again but again Crush stops him. He nails a spinning kick and does the head vice on Doink again but then another Doink comes from underneath the ring and nails Crush with the same cast as before. They both break the cast over the head of Crush. Doink wakes up the ref and pins Crush at 8:28. What a bad match -*

 

Todd Petingill interviews two Japanese cameramen about the Doink situation.

 

Bob Backlund VS Razor Ramon

Backlund offers a hand shake and Razor doesn’t by it. He’s still a heel but gets a Razor chant from the crowd. They tie up and Razor sends Backlund hard into the corner. Backlund then sends Razor down a couple of times. Razor offers a test of strength and suckers Backlund. He start working on Backlund. This is about as slow as the last match. Backlund comes back by taking down Razor but misses a drop kick. Backlund does a double underhook suplex. And nails a slow atomic drop. Razor gets in the ring the hard way and he hits a small package out of nowhere for the pin at 3:44. Another bad match DUD.

 

We get a look from Monday Night Raw when Money Inc. hit Brutus Beefcake’s face. I.R.S says in the interview that Hulk Hogan got into an accident.

 

Tag Team Title Match Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase and Irwin R. Schyster) VS The Mega Maniacs (Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake)

I.R.S is right as Hogan comes out with a black eye. The Megamaniacs (with Jimmy Hart as their manager) get in the ring and get jumped by Money Inc. The Megamaniacs throw them both out of the ring. This is before the match even starts. Beefcake starts with Irwin. Irwin throws Brutus in their own corner and Dibiase starts working on Beefcake. He intices Hogan into the ring and Money Inc does some illegal double teaming on Beefcake. Dibiase hits a double axhandle and hurts his own hands as he hits a protective mask that Beefcake his wearing. Beefcake starts ramming Dibiases head into the turnbuckle 10 times. Hogan tags in and continues to work on Dibiase some more and does the 10 punch count. Then he does the 10 punch on Dibiase on the mat. Hogan nails Dibiase with a chop and throws some more punches to his head. Beefcake comes in and Hogan and Beefcake hit the double boot on Dibiase. Hogan hits a double ax handle on Dibiase. Hogan clotheslines Dibiase out of the ring and sends Irwin out of the ring as well. Money Inc. starts leaving the palace but Fink announces that if they leave they’ll lose the match and the tag titles as well. They both get back in at 8. Dibiase starts working on Hogan. Dibiase chokes Hogan on the 2nd rope and Irwin wraps the tag rope on the throat and Dibiase does the same. They continue to choke Hogan and rob him of fresh air. Dibiase does the Millon Dollar Dream on Hogan for 2 minutes. Hogan gets his shoulder up the third time and gets up but goes down again. Beefcake comes in the ring and puts Dibiase out with the sleeper hold while the ref is distracted by Irwin. The ref starts a double count and Hogan gets up at 9. He tags Beefcake and he goes to town on Irwin. He hits a high knee and Dibiase gets an atomic drop out to the floor. Irwin hits Beefcake in the back with his beefcase. Irwin starts working on Beefcake and Dibiase comes in and places some kneedrops on Brutus. Dibiase then takes off the mask off of Beefcake. Dibiase rams some rights into Beefcakes injured face. They continue to work on Beefcake’s face. But Beefcake clotheslines both of them. Beefcakes places the sleeper on Irwin but Dibiase nails Irwin and the ref gets knocked down as well. Beefcake tags Hogan as Irwin tags Dibiase. Hogan starts hammering on Dibiase and nails the big foot and. He hits both guys with the mask. Jimmy Hart comes in and tries to wake the ref but turns his jacket around to a zebra and counts down both Money Inc. members and the Megamaniacs start celebrating but another ref comes in and DQ’s the Megamaniacs at 18:42. This match lasted way too long *. Afterwards Jimmy Hart throws the 2nd ref out of the ring and the Megamaniacs celebrate in the ring. They get Irwin’s briefcase and find a brick some tax forms and some money and they give the money to the crowd.

 

Todd Pettingill interviews Natalie Cole in the audience.

 

Mr. Perfect VS The Narcissist Lex Luger

Lex brings four girls in golden thong bikinis to the ring. They show mirrors of the Narcissist so that he can look at himself. Mr. Perfect comes out and gets turned by the girls who were leaving. Lex starts by grabbing the arm and flipping Henning which he kicks out. They both reverse an armbar a couple of times. Luger takes a punch to the stomach followed by an kneelift. Perfect nails a drop kick and Luger goes out of the ring to recoop. Luger starts working over Perfect. Perfect catchs a boot and starts working on the right leg. He jumps on his leg using the rope for leverage. He works on the leg with a spinning toe hold. Perfect hits 2 huge chops in the corner. Luger throws Perfect into the buckle twice backfirst. Luger throws Henning out of the ring and rams his back into the apron. They go back in and Luger works on the injured lower back. He hits a backbraker and a knee drop for 2. Perfect starts fighting back but runs into a knee in the corner. Luger cover Perfect with his feet on the ropes but the ref sees it. Luger hits a power slam for another 2. Perfect hits a high sunset flip for 2. Then he does the sleeper but Luger rams him into the corner. Perfect pounds away on Luger and hits a small package for 2. Perfect hits a big back drop. He throws Luger stomach first into the corner and slingshots him into the turnbuckle. Perfect hits an elbow for 2. He continues to work on Luger by hitting a neckbreaker for 2. He goes to the top and hits Luger with a drop kick but Luger gets his foot on the ropes. Perfect tries for a backslide but Luger uses the ropes to reverse it and when he does it Perfect’s feet are in the ropes and Henning is pinned at 10:54. Bad ending to a decent match *1/2. Luger then nails Perfect with the loaded forearm and knocks out Perfect. When Perfect wakes up he goes backstage and finds Luger and nails him but Shawn Michaels is there as well and he attacks Perfect in the garage area.

 

The Undertaker VS Giant Gonzalez

Oh my god! This ought to be a classic! They both start with a staredown. Gonzalez starts s.l.o.w.l.y hammering on the Undertaker but it doesn’t faze him. He comes with some rights of his own. But Gonzalez starts choking him. Undertaker comes back with a choke of his own. Gonzalez hits a low blow. This is terrible! Undertaker does the top rope walk and elbow to the back. He works on Gonzalez in the corner but walks into a big foot. All Gonzalez does is kick and punch and he is just terrible. He then does a resthold like he needs to do one already. And he holds on for 2 minutes folks! Undertaker is eventually thrown out of the ring and is thrown into the steps knocking them out of place. Undertaker gets back up and takes two head butts. Undertaker fights back knocks the Giant to one knee and goes after Harvey Whippleman but Gonzalez head butts Paul Bearer and gets a chloyphorm soaked rag and chokes out the Undertaker with it and gets DQ’d at 7:32. Jesus this was the worst match ever -*****. Afterwards the Undertaker acts like he’s dead and while they put him on a strecher Gonzalez gives one referee a chokeslam. The Undertaker is carted to the back and Gonzalez doesn’t want to leave the ring and the crowd starts chanting “Bullsh*t!” although Bobby says that they are yelling for Hogan. Then all of a sudden The Undertaker comes back out and takes the Giant down for the first time and security comes out to make sure the Giant doesn’t come back in. and Guess what folks, This feud isn’t over yet. No wonder the WWF was so bad in 1993.

 

We get a look at Yokozuna squashing Hacksaw Jim Duggan and then Bret Hart during the contract signing for Wrestlemania IX. Hulk Hogan then does an interview saying that whoever wins that he wants a title shot.

 

Todd Pettingill interviews a couple of fans at ringside wearing togas of their own.

 

WWF Title Match Bret Hart VS Yokozuna

Bret Hart nails a drop kick and starts pounding away at the face and Yoko shoves him off. Yoko chops Bret out of the ring and then kicks him out of there. Bret hooks Yoko’s foot into the ropes and hammers on his forehead. He hits an elbow from the 2nd rope. The ref unties Yokozuna’s foot. Bret hits 2 clothelines but Yoko nails a chop. Yoko hits an elbow. He slams Bret and hits a leg drop. Crowd chants “U.S.A”. Yokozuna works slowly over Bret and chokes him over the top rope. He starts choking Bret which is exactly what I need. And he holds on too! Where’s the ref on all of this? He goes into the nerve pinch by now. Yoko throws Bret into the corner but runs into a boot and does a bulldog for 2. Yokozuna hits a superkick ala Shawn Michaels. He does a snap mare and goes back into the nerve pinch. Yawn. Bret gets back up and gets thrown into the corner but Yoko misses a charge. Bret hits another bulldog for 2. Bret nails an elbow from the 2nd rope for another 2. Bret hits a flying clothesline and another one knocks down Yokozuna. He does the 10 punch but Yokozuna catches him and Bret pulls the turnbuckle cover off. Yokozuna tries to ram Bret in the steel but it backfires. Bret hooks the Sharpshooter but Mr. Fuji throws salt into the eyes and Yokozuna pins him at 8:55 to become the new WWF champion 3/4* afterwards Hulk Hogan comes out and tries to tell the ref what happened. Mr. Fuji challenges Hogan to a fight with Yokozuna and Hogan refuses at first as he helps Bret Hart but the Fuji says he’ll put the WWF title on the line and Hogan accepts which leads to…

 

WWF Title Match Yokozuna VS Hulk Hogan

Yokozuna holds Hogan as Fuji throws some more salt but Hogan ducks and Yokozuna gets the salt. He clothesline both Fuji and Yokozuna and hits the legdrop on Yokozuna for the pin at :22 to become the new WWF champion DUD. And he celebrates to end the show.

 

Summary: Well this show started off decent enough but then it went downhill faster than a wheelbarrow. There was some of the worst wrestling I think I’ve ever seen in this show. Hogan would get his though as he loses the title back to Yokozuna at the King Of The Ring later that year but still this was a terrible show and arguably the worst Wrestlemania of all time STRONG RECOMMENDATION TO AVOID unless you are collecting all of the Wrestlemania’s