Nickrj’s rant for Bash At The Beach 1999


Live from the National Car Rental Center at Ft. Lauderdale, Florida on July 11th 1999


Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan. Mike Tenay is 15 miles away in a junkyard for the battle royal out there.


DJ Ran opens up the show with a rap.


The Cat (with Sonny Onoo) VS Disco Inferno

This was because the Cat attacked Disco recently during a dance contest. So Cat asks for another one here. Not surprisingly he loses. Disco jumps Cat to start. Cat slides out to regroup. Cat grabs the mike and says he’s going to whoop someone. Back in Cat teases some kicks but Disco takes him down. Inverted Atmoic drop and a regular one. Clothesline for 2. Cat takes him down with a kick and chokes him. He throws Disco out of the ring and Sonny gets a kick. Cat throws him into the rail and he is thrown back first into the rail. Disco stomps the Cat outside. Low blow by Cat. He stomps on Disco some more. Sunset flip by Disco for 2. Superkick by Cat for 2. Slam by Cat but he misses a chop. Disco comes back with an elbow and a slam. He goes to the 2nd rope and hits a double axhandle for 2. Bad Russian leg sweep for 2. Superkick by Cat for 2 and another one for 2. Elbow by Disco but he takes an eyerake. Cat gets the disco shoe but Disco nails Cat with it but only gets a two count. Disco clotheslines Sonny on the top rope and Cat hits Disco with the same shoe for the pin at 8:06. Wasn’t really into this one that much. *1/2


Television Title Match: Rick Steiner VS Van Hammer

Tie up and Rick backs Van to the corner and hammers on him. Clothesline by Hammer and he knocks Rick to the outside. Suplex for 2. Rick tries to rake the face of Van and chokes him on the 2nd rope. Rick throws Van into the rail and pulls the cover of the floor off to hit a DDT and tries to pin him outside and he decks the ref. Idiot. Rick hammers on Van and hits a low blow. Back in Rick fight back and drops an elbow for 2. Rick goes to the crossface now. Yawn. Van thrown to the outside again where he hits Rick with a chair. He goes to the top and hits a flying clothesline for 2. Rick bites to get out of a tombstone and hits a couple of low blows. Rick hits a top rope bulldog for the pin at 4:51. This match sucked. DUD.


U.S. Title Match: David Flair (with the whole Flair clan) VS Dean Malenko

Tie up and David is knocked down. Tie up again and Dean gets a drop toe hold. Waist lock by David but he is flopped down. Dean kicks Dave in the corner. Suplex and Ric Flair comes in and gets knocked. Dean hooks the TC but Arn hammers the ref and he’s hammered by Dean and Asia gets hammered and TC’d. Charles Robinson is the ref now as Ric Flair nails Dean with the belt and David gets the pin at 3:05. Talk about overbooking and nonsense. -* for David going over here.


Eight Man Elimination Match: Konnan, Rey Mysterio Jr. Swoll and BA (with 4X4) VS Curt Henning, Barry Windham, Bobby Duncam Jr. and Kendall Windham

Country Music vs Rap Music. We saw this crap at Summerslam 1994 with Jarrett and Fat Albert, I mean Mabel J Konnan gets on the stick and proves why Scott Keith always calls him Gonnad. Barry Windham starts with Rey. Barry pummels Rey in the corner. Rey comes back with a drop kick and he hits a backwards bodypress for 2. Henning gets the tag and Rey looks like a midgit in front of everyone else. BA is in now and he nails Curt and hits a dropkick and a hip toss and a slam. Bobby is in now and they work on the right arm of each other. Gut shot by BA who tags Swoll. Clothesline to the stomach but a boot to the face by Bobby. Duncam starts to work over Swoll and Kendall gets the tag and is clotheslined. Low kick by Kendall and a clothesline. He misses an avalanche in the corner and Rey is in again. He takes a big boot. Rey kicks Bobby in the corner and a drop kick to the leg. Slingshot hurricurana takes Bobby to the outside. Konnan gets the tag as does Henning. Bulldog by Konnan. Rey with a thesz press on the outside. Catapult by Rey and a Bronco Buster. Lot of men in there now. Powerslam by Swoll on Bobby. Bobby misses a flying lariat and almost gets pinned. Guilotine legdrop by Rey and Swoll pins Bobby at 6:25. Swoll hammers on Curt now. Melee in the aisleway now. Windham hammers on Konnan now. He clotheslines him on the top. Snap suplex for 2. Curt is back in and they hit a double clothesline. Chop by Curt. Konnan counters a headdown and tags BA. Lariat on Henning and a knee lift. Uppercut by Curt though and he hooks the HenningPlex for the pin at 9:07. Konnan continues with Henning. Kendall is back in and hits a knee drop and a legdrop for 2. Clothesline followed by a slam. 2nd rope kneedrop misses. Clothesline by Konnan and a back savat kick and a X Factor for 2. Springboard dropkick by Rey and Konnan pins Kendall at 10:52. Barry with a back suplex on Konnan for 2. DDT for 2. He throws Konnan to the outside. Chop by Henning and he throws Konnan back in. Sleeper by Barry countered by Konnan. Clothesline by Barry for 2. Clothesline by Konnan and they both go outside. I smell DCOR here and sure enough it happens at 13:05. 2 against 1 now. Swoll hammers on Curt now. Barry is back in but it backfires. 4X4 tosses Henning back in. Swoll hits a gut shot. Rey gets the tag and hits a big splash on Swoll’s shoulders to pin Henning at 14:59. Swoll and Rey are the winners. Fun match ***.


Junkyard Invitational Hardcore Battle Royal

Sure enough this takes place on a junkyard and the winner must make it out of the yard. They don’t even bother to mention the names at the beginning. But I know Brian Knobs, Hugh Morris, La Parka, Public Enemy are in there. A car is dumped off by PE. So many bad angles I can’t even tell what’s goin on. A car explodes with Jerry Flynn on it. Silver King drops Knobs on an ambulance. Steven Regal and Fit Finley are also in there. Dave Taylor as well. These guys just basically pound each other with weapons and such. Hak’s in there as well. As for weapons there are cars, a can of fire and all sorts of other stuff. Absolutely nothing of note is happening as we see Jimmy Hart outside of the ring. Knobbs uses a bumper on his enemies. Hugh Morris drops an elbow from one car to another. Horace is in there too. A car seat is thrown along with other stuff. Mikey Whipwreck in there. Morris misses a flying splash on the car. A hubcap and a tire is used as well by Knobs. Dave Taylor in there too as is Steven Regal. Rocco Rock and Horace make it to the gate and Rock almost makes it out. Silver King is cut now. Jeez someone end this match please? Fit Finlay is put into a car but he gets out before that car is put on a forklift to a crusher. An explosion occurs and Fit wins the match at 13:53. What a boring and stupid concept of a match. A lot like that King Of The Road match I’ll do when I get Uncensored 1995. -***


World Tag Team Title Handicap Match: Diamond Dallas Page, Bam Bam Bigelow and Kanyon VS Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn

Page starts with Saturn and he hammers Perry away. Perry returns the favor though and hits a kick. He cleans house on the other men too. Chris gets the tag now. Bammer pounds on Chris but runs into a boot and falls into the corner. Dropkick by Chris sends Bammer to the outside. Saturn and Kanyon are in there now and Perry kicks away but he runs into a boot. Eye rake by Kanyon to take control. Waistlock by Perry and he hits a T-Bone drop. Chris is in and a double headbutt occurs. Clothesline by Benoit and a snap suplex. Walls Of Jericho type move by Chris and he’s thrown into Saturn. Chop by Benoit and another one. Saturn is back in again and a double clothesline and double snot blows on Kanyon. Saturn gets a two count. He tosses Kanyon across the ring. Benoit is back in again and hits a back breaker for 2. Kicks by Benoit and a drop on the leg. Make a wish spot and a nice dropkick by Perry. Slam by Saturn and he goes to the top and hits a legdrop for 2. Page makes the save and he is pummeled as a result but Kanyon pulls Saturn outside where Page nails him. Bammer now is in and hits a vertical suplex and a headbutt gets two. Kanyon is back in and drops the leg to the stomach for 2. Bammer is in now and snap mares Saturn into a chin lock. Saturn takes a chinlock and a headbutt and a choke. Kanyon gets the tag again and hits a kneedrop for 1. He sets up Perry on the top but is crotched and Perry hits a Belly to Belly superplex. Benoit gets the hot tag and hits a dropkick. Page is chopped outside. But he nails Benoit with a flying top rope clothesline and Bammer gets a two count. Page is in now as everyone hammers on Chris. Elbowdrop for 2. Kanyon comes in with a sunset for 2. Lariat gets another two. Tiger Bomb gets another 2. Headbutts now by Bigelow and several of them for 2. Kanyon back in and hits a double axhandle. Benoit fights back but takes a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Page is back in and gets a gut shot and an elbow for 2. Facelock by Page. Satrun gets the tag but the ref didn’t see it. Tiger bomb by Page for 2. Kanyon in and he slams Benoit and hits a 2nd rope legdrop for 2. Facelock by Kanyon but he is backslammed. Bammer comes in and takes a back suplex. Bigelow falls on top of a slam and he goes to the top but misses a moonsault. Saturn gets the hot tag and he hammers on everyone. Belly to belly by Saturn and a high kick. Perry takes Page and Kanyon to the outside. Perry dropkicks Benoit onto Bigelow. They both go up top and hits flying headbutts but Page makes the save. Saturn gets a german suplex for 2. Perry goes for the DVD and Kanyon throws powder right in the eyes and Page Diamond Cuts Kanyon?! Benoit covers but Bigelow puts the foot on the ropes. Benoit with a german suplex for 2. 4 man brawl now. Ref is sandwiched and Page nails Benoit and Kanyon with a can and Bigelow and Page hit the 3-D on Saturn. Ref counts the pin for 23:16. Long match and it got kind of overbooked at the end. **3/4


Boxing Match: Rowdy Roddy Piper (with Ric Flair) VS Buff Bagwell (with Judy Bagwell)

Judge Mills Lane is the referee for this match. Buff decides to bring his mother to ringside to counter Ric Flair, uhhhh yeah. Onto the match.


1st Round: Piper gets some jabs and works him over in the corner. Buff comes back with some lefts and rights. Buff goes down on a right cross. Back up and they continue to slug it out as the round ends. Piper gets a headbutt as the bell rings


2nd Round: Flair sprays stuff on Piper’s gloves. Piper uses it on the eyes of Buff blinding him. Buff is in trouble now. Piper gets a rabbit shot and knocks down Buff again. Piper pounds on Buff some more but Buff turns the tables and knocks down Piper for the first time. End of Round


3rd Round: Piper hammers on Buff before the bell even rings so Judy comes in and bites Piper and dumps a bucket on him. Buff then gets the Blockbuster for the pin at :34. My god. Why would you get a pin in a boxing match? That’s just sad. -** for that.


WCW World Title Match: Kevin Nash (Champ) and Sting VS Sid Vicious and Randy Savage (with Gorgeous George, Miss Madness and Madusa)

Sting ans Savage start as George moves into Nash’s corner. Sting nails Savage outside. Back in right hands. Inverted Atmoic Drop on Savage. Sid gets the tag and an eyerake. Slow offense by the big lug. Cross body by Sting and he clotheslines Sid to the outside. Sid hammers on Sting some more but he misses a charge. Clothesline by Sid. Savage comes in and hits a right hand. Sid is back in and he pummels on Sting some more. Camel Clutch and a pretty bad one at that by Sid. Nash comes in and decks Sid to stop. Savage is in again and he hammers on Sting some more and Sid chokes on Sting. Sting fights back and hits a dropkick and tags Nash. Nash pummels on both Sid and Savage. Sidewalk Slam on Sid. Clothesline in the corner on Savage and the boot to the throat. More pummeling by Big Lazy. Sting is back in and pokes Savage and kicks him. Savage is thrown into the railing twice. Sting goes flying into the railing though and Sid drops him on the rail. The two girls shove Sting to the post and Savage with the knee to the throat and he goes after Nash. Slam by Sid into a chinlock. Sting gets up and knocks down Sid and headbutts him in the crotch. Nash gets the hot tag and kicks Savage and hammers on Sid. Sidewalk Slam on Sid. All 4 men are in now and the girls come in as well and gets dumped. Stinger Splashes on Sid, Madusa, Madness, Savage and Nash. Chokeslam by Sid on Sting. Nash hammers on Sid. He sets up Savage in the powerbomb but George comes in and low blows Nash. Crowd is chanting “Goldberg.” Sid slams Nash and Savage hits the Flying Elbow for the pin at 13:19 to win the title. What a sucky match DUD.


Summary: Well this was a wasteful show. 2 DUDS and three negative star matches. Just what you would expect from the dumbest booking you’ll ever see. STRONG RECOMMENDATION TO AVOID